I woke up in fear. Not shivering but just my facial expression tells it all. I dreamt about my ex whom I've been with for 2 years plus. Well the dream was nothing scary actually. I just bumped into him and saw his new girlfriend. I knew all along in reality that it was going to happened but not sure when is the right time. Informer have spread the news till it reached me. You don't have to know who it is. Maybe or just maybe it was my instinct. Well that was the dream. Isn't scary at all right? Well the scary part wasn't about my ex being together with his new girlfriend. But its his new girlfriend who have been giving nightmares even before my ex and me broke up. I'm not going to tell in details and I'm not assuming who's fault was it.
I just want to tell all about me. Just me, myself and I! Ques: Have you guys ever meet your own true self? Like face to face? Like you're facing a mirror?
I have! And it really scares the hell out of me! When I look at her, I didn't admit at all that I'm totally like her! Her interest, her likings her freedom, her looks(Well almost like me but with nicer body and a "Pretty" face) and realise that I've been always hated myself from the beginning. Without me realising how cruel I am towards people, how nice I could be, how caring I am to the ones I love, every single thing was in her! But except that she has everything and I don't and that's LOVE. Pure love and sincerity in her that I do not obtain.
I use to denied that I'm like her. Afraid to admit the real me. but news kept telling me that I'm like her in a way. Hahahaha! I remember the jealousy of her whenever she went out with my ex. Is like she's replacing me! She likes what I like and everything. So there isn't any problem to my ex. The only thing we use to fight would be about her, being the 3rd party. Its not that I regret breaking up with my ex. No! Don't get the wrong idea. Is just that I remember every single word he said to me last time "Don't worry! I won't be with her even if we break up! she is just a close friend of mine!" And now i know why he is hiding the relationship with her. Cause he remember every single word that he said. So words are just words huh? I ain't mad if he move on with his life cause i already move on with mine.
If I really meet him and his new girlfriend walking down the road, I will smile with sincerity. I won't get mad or even show a stuck up face to them cause its already over! But one thing for sure, I will hate her always and forever till death! That's how I realise how I hate myself so much. Till I can't face her nor the mirror. I still remember how she torture my soul slowly and painfully without even touching me. Giving me nightmares how she behaves and her looks. Seriously she is driving me nuts. I don't know maybe my ex chose her because he loves the OLD me. And she's delivering it now. & I realise I've changed. Changed to I may not know who. The truth is, I'm still searching for myself deep within. People may see what I'm like. But I don't and it frustrates me even more. Thus, I do feel ashamed that my friends know my true colours and I don't. Cause all the mistakes I may have done may cause tremendous horror to people's impression. And it scares me to hell.
When you meet the real you, I swear you're gonna freak out as well. Some may find it cool. But I don't! Cause every human is unique in their own way. And when you find somebody who's exactly the same as you, you may find that you are not unique at all or lets just say that you're not one in a million! Get my point? Haish..
Labels: Seeing your ownself freaks you like HELL~
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